ATTRACTION

(Married People Only)


I recently spent the day with my dad, something I dearly enjoy but don't do often enough. We ran our normal gambit; talked about everything from politics to religion. Then our dialogue turned to a discussion about 80/20. You’re familiar with 80/20 right? Tyler Perry’s character mentioned it in the movie “Why did I get married”. 80/20 is the old adage that says all married couples will only receive 80% of what they need from their spouse. The saying suggests that marriage relationships will always lack 20% of the needs of each person. In the scene, the men discussed how people will walk away from a marriage chasing that 20% not realizing the value of the 80% they’re leaving behind. My dad's point seemed to be him warning me not to fall victim of this scenario in my marriage.

“Do what ever you have to do to make your wife happy…” he told me. That sounded like good advice, except that, without voicing it, we both knew how this same advice had worked out for him. Next year my parents will have been divorced for more years than they were married which is an accomplishment within itself.

“Why do people do that…? Why walk away from a marriage to find something that you’re never gonna find?” I asked my dad. And that sounded like a fair question, except that, without voicing it, we both already knew the answer.

One word; pure and simple: ATTRACTION. People become attracted to all types of things; lifestyles, opportunities, positions, jewelry, money, cloths… basically anything outside of the marriage that they are unable to get inside the marriage at the time is attractive.  But the thing people become attracted to which causes them to walk away from marriage is OTHER PEOPLE.  It’s not necessarily their fault. No one can really decide who or what generates attraction and who or what doesn’t generate attraction or for how long; especially in a case where a spouse used to generate attraction from their mate but suddenly doesn’t generate attraction anymore.

What is attraction? Is it a vibe? Is it sparked by something simple like physical appearance or compatibility; maybe ease of communication? Or is it something deep and spiritual like openness, one-ness or emotional accessibility?

Maybe attraction will never be figured out. But what we do know is that the person who attracts and the person who is attracted can not influence each other. They are in the isolated worlds of their minds and one can not make the other “join the party”, so to speak. If every married person could simply keep their spouse's attraction, or control who they are attracted to, then no marriages would end. But it doesn’t work like that. More often than not, when a married person dresses up attractively, it is not for the benefit of their spouse; it’s because he or she has become attracted to someone else. Only, they will not get the attention of the person whom they are trying to attract but instead will attract another person who isn’t necessarily attractive to them. And that person whom they’ve attracted will try in vain to return the attraction while being completely oblivious of this other person who is attracted to them. And on, and on, and on.

Attraction makes no since. But it’s attraction that causes people to walk away from a relationship where 80% of their needs are met just to get their hands on that small thing that they are desperately attracted to. People become so badly infatuated with that 20% until nothing else matters anymore.

It’s human nature. I mean, who wants to be separated from what you are attracted to? Who wants to sacrifice that 20% and instead spend the rest of their life trying to make that 80% suffice? Who wants to give up forever the pleasure of satisfying that desperate feeling of desire? Who wants to endure the pain of longing for something that you can never have?

NOBODY. Everyone wants what is attractive and is attracted by what they want. Everyone desires to satisfy their desires especially when it envolves things they can not have (and maybe should never have). Everyone wants to know the pleasure of that 20% which they have yet to experience. And, unfortunely, as the desire for what they do not posses grows, the attractiveness of what’s already in their hand slowly dims. Perhaps the best analogy is the one about the dog walking on a dock with a nice sized bone in his mouth. He looks at his reflection in the water and sees what he thinks is a dog with a bigger bone looking back at him. So he drops his bone into the water trying to get that bigger bone. Everyone wants what they want; AND NO ONE IS SATIFIED WITH JUST WHAT THEY HAVE!

Men and women step out on marriages seeking to attract people that they desire. Men and women make themselves look more attractive to become what ever it is they think some other person is attracted to. And both men and women seek possessions and other items that some person they desire wants to have; because then it’s not an element of attraction or desire, but an exchange. You get what you want, they get what they want. Everybody’s happy.

But here’s the news flash: You don’t have what that person you desire wants. You only have what the person you married wants; that's why they married you. You aren’t going to attract that person you are attracted to because you can’t become what attracts them; you can only pretend to be what attracts them. And, while you're attention is going into pretending to be someone you are not, you are completely neglecting the one person who truly desires you; not something that you are suddenly pretending to be.

The morale of this story is that there is no moral. 51% of marriages end in divorce because 51% of men and women give in to attraction and chase that other lifestyle; that other opportunity, that money… and especially, that other person. 51% of married people will not realize that the 20% they are chasing is just a mirage. The attraction feels like a vibe or a spirit or a compatibility thing but it’s really a hoax; it’s fake; it’s wrong and can cost them everything. Perusing that 20% means that at some point you’ll have to face the repercussion of your decision to leave and you'll begin to mourn the loss of that 80% which made you're life work so well. And that part is not attractive, at least not to me.

Attraction will continue to come and go and will continue to be a waist of time unless LOVE is at the root. Hopefully you are smart enough not to waste time chasing someone you do not LOVE only to abandon someone you do. Hopefully you won't sacrifice everything searching for this illusive high of a 100% situation that doesn’t really exist. Hopefully you can rekindle attraction for the person you married. He or she is the only person who deserves your attraction and is no doubt still utterly attracted to you. But if you can't, don't worry.  Go ahead chase that 20% and your spouse will soon be attracted to someone else too.