A few years ago, I went on a road-trip with my dad (something I thoroughly enjoy but don't do often enough). We traveled from the East Bay to an area north of Truckee and back. Even though we had a whole day at our disposal, I knew going in that it wouldn't be nearly enough time for us to really "catch up" as far as I'm concerned.
We ran the gambit; talked about everything under the sun from religion to politics. Then, our dialogue turned to a discussion about the popular 80/20 rule that Tyler Perry's characters mention in the movie "Why Did I Get Married".
80/20 is the old adage that basically says all married couples only receive 80% of what they need from their spouse. It suggests all marriage relationships lack 20% of each partner's wants and/or needs. The tragedy is when a man or a women walk away from their marriage chasing that 20% not realizing the value of the 80% they're leaving behind. My dad's point seemed to be him warning me not to fall victim to this terrible scenario.
"Do whatever you have to do to make your wife happy... " he told me.
That sounded like good advice; except that, without voicing it, we both knew how this same advice had worked out for him. My parents have been divorced for more years than they were married; which is an accomplishment within itself.
"Why do people do that... ?" I asked him. "... Why walk away from a marriage chasing something they're never gonna find?"
The question sounded fair, except that, without voicing it, we both already knew the answer. One word; pure and simple: ATTRACTION.
People who walk away from a marriage most often have either been chased away by abuse or drawn away by attraction. Married people are attracted to alternative lifestyles, new cars, money, jewelry, cloths... and especially OTHER PEOPLE. Counselor at California Family Court Services deal with so many cases where one spouse had no attraction for anyone other than their mate; then suddenly, within the space of a year, became so attracted to someone else that they walked away claiming their spouse isn't attractive to them anymore.
What is attraction? Is it a vibe? Is it a feeling? And what generates attraction? Physical appearance? Maybe ease of communication? Or is it something deep and spiritual like openness, one-ness or emotional accessibility? Marketing experts study attraction everyday; their intension is to put something attractive in a bottle and sell it.
Perhaps attraction will remain a mystery forever. But here's what we do know...
Married people must have a level of attraction for their spouse; otherwise, at least one of them will become more attracted to something or SOMEONE else. If every married person could keep their spouses attraction and somehow control who they are attracted to, theoretically, no marriages would end.
What if married people began to dress attractively for their spouse of however many years; not to get the attention of people they hardly know? What if married people made a conscious effort to attract each other instead of attracting some other person who isn't necessarily attractive to them (and that person whom they've attracted will try in vain to return the attraction while being completely oblivious of this other person who, for quite some time, has been attracted to them. And so on, and so on... )
Attraction makes no since; but attraction can make a person walk away from a relationship where 80% of their needs are met trying to get their hands (literally) on that small thing they've become so infatuated with that their life now revolves around them getting.
Its human nature I guess; to want what is attractive and be attracted by what you want. Its human nature to want that 20% which you have yet to experience. And, unfortunately, as the desire for what you want grows, the attractiveness of what you already have slowly diminishes. Perhaps the best analogy is the one about the dog walking on a dock with a nice sized bone in his mouth. Suddenly, he looks at his reflection in the water and sees what he thinks is another dog with a bigger bone looking back at him. So he drops his bone into the water trying to get the bigger bone. Everybody wants what they want and some are willing to sacrifice what they already have to get what they want.
But here's a news flash about attraction: You can't ATTRACT something by desiring it! For example, if you're married, you are not as attractive to a person you hardly know as you are to your spouse. You might find another person attractive, but you don't have what they want; you have what your spouse wants... that's why they married you. You aren't going to attract the person outside of your marriage that is atttractive to you because you can't become what attracts them; you can only pretend to be what attracts them. And, while all of your attention is going into pretending to be someone you are not, you are completely neglecting the one person who fell in love with the person you are and still truly desires you; not something that you are suddenly pretending to be.
The morale of this story is; there is no moral. According to the US Department of Human and Family Services, there are about 2.4 million marriages a year and 1.2 million divorces (roughly 50%). This fact means a lot of married men and women give-in to attraction and chase the alternate lifestyle or the other opportunity... or the money... or the new car... or the newer cloths... or that other person. It means a lot of married people in America do not realize that the 20% they feel their spouse "lacks" is just a mirage; its a hoax; its fake and chasing it will cost them everything. Perusing that 20% means at some point they have to face the repercussion of losing the 80%. At some point they mourn the loss of what made their life work so well. And that part of the equation is not attractive, at least not to me.
Attraction will come and go and will continue to be a waste of time because attraction alone is not Love. Hopefully you are smart enough not to waste time chasing someone or something you do not Love only to abandon someone you do. Hopefully you won't sacrifice everything searching for this illusive high of a 100% situation that doesn't really exist! And I pray you are still attracted to the person you are married to; He or she is the only person who deserves your attraction and this person has the same attraction for you.
But if you aren't, don't worry, they'll soon be attracted to someone else too.
We ran the gambit; talked about everything under the sun from religion to politics. Then, our dialogue turned to a discussion about the popular 80/20 rule that Tyler Perry's characters mention in the movie "Why Did I Get Married".
80/20 is the old adage that basically says all married couples only receive 80% of what they need from their spouse. It suggests all marriage relationships lack 20% of each partner's wants and/or needs. The tragedy is when a man or a women walk away from their marriage chasing that 20% not realizing the value of the 80% they're leaving behind. My dad's point seemed to be him warning me not to fall victim to this terrible scenario.
"Do whatever you have to do to make your wife happy... " he told me.
That sounded like good advice; except that, without voicing it, we both knew how this same advice had worked out for him. My parents have been divorced for more years than they were married; which is an accomplishment within itself.
"Why do people do that... ?" I asked him. "... Why walk away from a marriage chasing something they're never gonna find?"
The question sounded fair, except that, without voicing it, we both already knew the answer. One word; pure and simple: ATTRACTION.
People who walk away from a marriage most often have either been chased away by abuse or drawn away by attraction. Married people are attracted to alternative lifestyles, new cars, money, jewelry, cloths... and especially OTHER PEOPLE. Counselor at California Family Court Services deal with so many cases where one spouse had no attraction for anyone other than their mate; then suddenly, within the space of a year, became so attracted to someone else that they walked away claiming their spouse isn't attractive to them anymore.
What is attraction? Is it a vibe? Is it a feeling? And what generates attraction? Physical appearance? Maybe ease of communication? Or is it something deep and spiritual like openness, one-ness or emotional accessibility? Marketing experts study attraction everyday; their intension is to put something attractive in a bottle and sell it.
Perhaps attraction will remain a mystery forever. But here's what we do know...
Married people must have a level of attraction for their spouse; otherwise, at least one of them will become more attracted to something or SOMEONE else. If every married person could keep their spouses attraction and somehow control who they are attracted to, theoretically, no marriages would end.
What if married people began to dress attractively for their spouse of however many years; not to get the attention of people they hardly know? What if married people made a conscious effort to attract each other instead of attracting some other person who isn't necessarily attractive to them (and that person whom they've attracted will try in vain to return the attraction while being completely oblivious of this other person who, for quite some time, has been attracted to them. And so on, and so on... )
Attraction makes no since; but attraction can make a person walk away from a relationship where 80% of their needs are met trying to get their hands (literally) on that small thing they've become so infatuated with that their life now revolves around them getting.
Its human nature I guess; to want what is attractive and be attracted by what you want. Its human nature to want that 20% which you have yet to experience. And, unfortunately, as the desire for what you want grows, the attractiveness of what you already have slowly diminishes. Perhaps the best analogy is the one about the dog walking on a dock with a nice sized bone in his mouth. Suddenly, he looks at his reflection in the water and sees what he thinks is another dog with a bigger bone looking back at him. So he drops his bone into the water trying to get the bigger bone. Everybody wants what they want and some are willing to sacrifice what they already have to get what they want.
But here's a news flash about attraction: You can't ATTRACT something by desiring it! For example, if you're married, you are not as attractive to a person you hardly know as you are to your spouse. You might find another person attractive, but you don't have what they want; you have what your spouse wants... that's why they married you. You aren't going to attract the person outside of your marriage that is atttractive to you because you can't become what attracts them; you can only pretend to be what attracts them. And, while all of your attention is going into pretending to be someone you are not, you are completely neglecting the one person who fell in love with the person you are and still truly desires you; not something that you are suddenly pretending to be.
The morale of this story is; there is no moral. According to the US Department of Human and Family Services, there are about 2.4 million marriages a year and 1.2 million divorces (roughly 50%). This fact means a lot of married men and women give-in to attraction and chase the alternate lifestyle or the other opportunity... or the money... or the new car... or the newer cloths... or that other person. It means a lot of married people in America do not realize that the 20% they feel their spouse "lacks" is just a mirage; its a hoax; its fake and chasing it will cost them everything. Perusing that 20% means at some point they have to face the repercussion of losing the 80%. At some point they mourn the loss of what made their life work so well. And that part of the equation is not attractive, at least not to me.
Attraction will come and go and will continue to be a waste of time because attraction alone is not Love. Hopefully you are smart enough not to waste time chasing someone or something you do not Love only to abandon someone you do. Hopefully you won't sacrifice everything searching for this illusive high of a 100% situation that doesn't really exist! And I pray you are still attracted to the person you are married to; He or she is the only person who deserves your attraction and this person has the same attraction for you.
But if you aren't, don't worry, they'll soon be attracted to someone else too.
